certain people come into your life for certain reasons...
some people you trust with your whole heart,
their opinions mean the world to you...
and then... they break your freaking heart in half...

As if I wasn't feeking like crap enough...
he was MAD at me....

some rolemodel.

So, here's what is currently on my mind:

No matter how much people tell me they are proud of me and are not dissapointed with me, or in me, a part of me will always be dissapointed in myself. I feel so stupid not having a plan. People have been asking me more than usual about school lately... and specifically about what I am going to school for... and I feel stupid telling them, I have no idea.

I continue trying to make myself feel better about my decisions... because it's not like the random decisions I've made before... I've actually thought through this one...

The worst part about this whole situation and the reason I am being so hard on myself is that, I have no one to blame, but myself. I did not try in school. Something about being teased about being fat or ugly or whatever people decided to think of me daily just drained me of any ounce of wanting to be at school and try.

I hate that I continue hitting rock bottom... I shouldn't be this way... I have friends there for me, and a boyfriend who loves me, and an family who love me as well... gah!

grrrrrrFace.... :[

sleep, maybe... sure why not...

So, there's been something on my mind for awhile now, and I don't have the guts to put it on facebook, even though it may do some good on facebook... anywho here it goes....

What is the point of making the twenty-first year of your life a significant one when you've been drinking since high school... I don't really get it... I cannot speak from experience but I don't understant the hype about getting "wasted". How fun can it really be to not be aware of your actions??? And how can you justify that it's okay as long as you don't get caught by the police??? You can't even really count being caught by parents anymore these days because our world is so twisted that parents don't even really care. And even if they do care, they're afraid to punish their children for doing the same things they did when they were our age. That to me is a sad excuse for lack of parenting.

Drinking to me seems like a really dumb idea. Call me crazy, and mark my words, but I don't ever plan on drinking. I've seen households crumble because of alcohol. I've seen children sad because of alcohol. I've seen children follow in the footsteps of their parents as a way of coping. I've seen people hurt because of alcohol. I never want to be in or put my family through the situations that I lived through by association... and what I mean by that is, I watched my best friend's mom let alcohol grab hold of her, and control her, and eventually led up to her just packing up and leaving, abandoning her children. I don't think I ever really considered it an abnormality as we were growing up until the night that we took advantage of her in her drunken stage and asked if I could sleep over, of course, she said yes, and then when we got up in the morning, she was confused as to why I was there...

Point to this whole blog being. Alcohol is dumb. Especially before you are 21... you lose the hype of a significant milestone when you are in a hurry to grow up...

grr. underage drinking makes me sick. and angry.

I'm done.